I Ran
by DazzledIn2008
Summary: Edward's POV. This is what happens to Edward after he leaves Bella at the beginning of "New Moon."


I ran.

I ran through the forest, completely unaware of my surroundings, the trees and ferns a damp, green blur. All I could see was her face as she stared up at me, the last image of her face that I would _ever_ see.

I roared in pain as I ran, debilitating, crippling pain, and the forest shook with a deafening rumble, trees splintering to dust beneath my blind fury. The pain ached to free itself from my body, trying to claw its way out, but there was no end to this misery. This would be my life now, the life that I had chosen, the only path that would keep her safe. From me. And my family.

"_It will be as if I never existed."_

The memory of our last conversation played back in my head, endlessly repeating. I tried to block it out, to push it out of my consciousness, but whatever control I had slowly developed over the last eighty years had suddenly disintegrated. I collapsed to my knees on the forest floor, gasping for breath that I did not need, desperate to feel the delicious fire in my throat that meant she was near. But that fire was gone, forever. I would never again be tempted by her blood, smell her fragrant hair, touch her delicate face, kiss her warm soft lips….

The memories flooded violently into my head, and I surrendered to their unrelenting clarity. I watched her expression change from confusion, to incomprehension, to awareness, to shock. I listened to her whispered pleas, begging me not to leave her. I watched her crumble in agony as I lied, convincing her to believe that I no longer needed or loved her. I watched as I turned my back on her pain, a pain that I had caused, and walked away from her life forever.

I curled into a ball on the damp ground, my arms wrapped tightly around my body, trying to hold the pieces of my mangled body together. I begged for death, anything to end this suffocating torture. I tried to remember _why_. Why had I done this? What could be worth this torment?

_Bella…_

Fresh pain tore through my chest at the mere memory of her name. I clawed at the ground, digging trenches in the hard earth, as I waited for the ache to lessen. Of course. Bella, my Bella. I remembered how she would bite her bottom lip when she was concentrating, how her face would light up when she saw me, how her heart would speed up at my touch, the sweet smell of her throat, the sound of Jasper's snarl as he tried to bite her neck….

_No!_

I was instantly on my feet, my muscles familiarly tensed, my senses acutely aware, my mind processing all threats in a fraction of a second. The memory of the birthday party activated my natural instincts, and I was protecting _her_ from all predators, my unofficial role since we met. But the reality came quickly crashing down on me. I was alone. There was no predator but me. I had left her. It was the only way to keep her safe. It was a decision I did not make lightly, and my pain, my feelings, were not a factor. All that mattered was her.

I knew I needed to get moving, that I had to get out of Forks to complete the charade. The rest of my family had already left, but I had stayed behind to talk to… to _her_. Unfortunately, I had left my car in her driveway earlier in the afternoon, and the evidence of my existence was still parked in Charlie's spot. If she walked back to her house and saw the car still there, it might give her false hope, and I couldn't bear the thought of adding to her pain. I acted quickly.

I ran back towards her house, using a different route in case she was still where I had left here, and I was standing at the edge of her backyard in seconds.

For one brief moment, I froze. Her scent was overwhelmingly strong here, as I should have known that it would be. I realized that for the first time in several months, I had no idea where she was at the moment. I could see the car in the driveway. Was she still in the forest? Was she in her bedroom? Had she already noticed that my car was still there, wondering when I would return? Her window looked out on the front of the house. What if she happened to glance out and saw the car suddenly disappear? Did it matter either way? I _had_ to get my car if I were to escape Forks, especially before Charlie got home from work.

Before I could talk myself out of it, I was sliding through her bedroom window, unlocked as always. I tried to prepare myself for the inevitable onslaught of her scent, and I held my breath before my feet touched the floor. The room was empty, but one quick glance at her messy, unmade bed, and I was immediately overcome with memories, threatening to cripple me yet again. The endless hours I had spent laying next to her, watching her sleep….

I forced myself to gain control, to remember why I was here, and how critical it was that this visit go undetected. Everything that I had put her through would be lost if she caught me standing in her room, but my decision would remain the same. I would still leave, and I would cause her fresh pain.

I willed myself to start moving and noticed her scrapbook, a birthday present from Renee, laying on the wooden floor. I remembered the pictures she had taken of me with her new camera, another birthday present, and quickly flipped through the pages of book, removing all of the pictures of me.

"_It will be as if I never existed."_

If I were to keep my promise to her, I would need to remove all evidence of my existence, and I quickly surveyed her room. The pictures, the CD I made for her of my piano music… I gathered every item that would remind her of me, that would prove that I was ever here. I started to walk out of the room, to finish what I had to do, and I paused at the door, looking down at the objects in my hand.

_Maybe…_

I knew I shouldn't, but I acted on impulse and lifted one of the floorboards in the corner of her room to slip the items underneath. I quietly snapped the board back in place. If I knew that these items still existed, these reminders of our relationship, that they remained close to her even though I couldn't, maybe that would help me in the years to come. To feel that some part of me was still in her life. I took one long last breath, and I walked out of her room.

I quickly determined that she was not in the house, and I was thankful for this small bit of good luck. The fact that she _wasn't_ here, however, continued to worry me. Knowing her as I did, it would be completely within her character, and her unlucky nature, to wander through the forest after I left, engrossed in thought. The last image of her face threatened to overtake me again, but I couldn't afford to think of that now. I had an eternity to be tortured by memories of my life with her, and I forced myself to delay the punishment for just a few more minutes. Before I left the house, and her life, forever, I needed to make sure that someone knew where she was, or at least where to look for her if she got lost. I jotted a short note to Charlie on a notepad in the kitchen, mimicking her messy handwriting perfectly, and left it laying on the kitchen table to be easily found.

Everything was done, my task complete. I had no other business in the Swan household. Only a few minutes had passed since I left her in the forest, but it already seemed like an eternity. I took one last deep breath, letting her scent burn its way into the deepest recesses of my mind, and I walked out the door. I slipped unnoticed into the driver's seat of my car, floored the accelerator, and drove out of Bella's life forever.


End file.
